God Chose Adoption

Someone said something to me today that has had me pondering all the day.  It was said in passing, it was said by someone who knows my family pretty well, it was said out of compassion (but not empathy), and I realize it is one of those societal ways of thinking about things.  I will also say I am not at all hurt by or even offended by the remark.  It has become a blessing that made me think. I was dropping a kiddo off and had all four and it was one of those this is NOT a good mothering moments with all four kids going four different ways and not particularly the ways they were being instructed to go either.  Yep, I was frazzled!  And then in an effort to make me feel better I was told, "And YOU chose this!"  This is what I heard:
"You chose" to adopt!  You didn't have to have kids, not one, you couldn't have a baby, so  "you chose" adoption.  When "you chose" to adopt "you chose" to have around 20 kids, whom you loved each and everyone, come to your home and family and then leave your home and family.  When "you chose" your eldest son you did so knowing he would have anxiety issues and emotional issues resulting in behavioral problems that affect him and the entire family and which can be endlessly exhausting.  I mean after all he was a 29 week preemie with drugs in his system, that "you chose".  When "you chose" to answer the extremely surprising phone call three years later letting you know that your son has a half brother and "you chose" him to be your second son and keep him with his biological brother "you chose" to have the most challenging three year old in the history of three year olds.  "You chose" him even though he too had drugs in his system and you were just beginning to see the myriad of ways this was affecting his older brother.   "You chose" to parent the child that one of your best friends recently admitted was, "awfully cute and full of energy.. but all day long?  Well..."  And then to top it all off, just because you longed to have not just sons but daughters, "you chose" them to be 9months older and 20months younger then the three year old sweetie pie monster.  "You chose" the oldest daughter to have experienced horrific abuse and endless neglect for the first 2 1/2 years of her only four year life.  "You chose" for her to have developmental delays and emotional scars which will take years longer then the year and a half she's been your daughter to fade in intensity.  "You chose" to jump into a full blown familial relationship with a two and a half year old little person.  "You chose" to mother a newborn whom the pediatrician fully believes was drug exposed and 5 weeks premature but since the biomother fully denies it and nothing can be proven no one wants to offer services.  "You chose" for her to, against all odds, be acting like a perfectly normal toddler who darts off, wants her own way, and has no regard for others.  "You chose" to be a frazzled mother!
After, as I said before, pondering this most of the day, here is what I think:
I did no more and no less "choosing" then any other mother in the world; adoptive or biological.  To say I had any part in the choosing of my four children would be saying I didn't believe and trust my God!  I did not "choose" to be barren!  I did not "choose" for my children to have suffered in utero or in life, nor will I ever "choose" that for them, although I am confident each will suffer throughout their lives.  And I certainly didn't "choose" for all four of them to be acting like wild animals this morning!  What sane parent does?   I have friends who are adoptive parents who have seen no effects in their children's lives from being adopted.  I have friends with biological children struggling with physical, mental, and emotional challenges.  God promises us that He "knit you together in your mother's womb".  It is God that "knows the plans" of our lives, each and everyone of us.  The plan for me and the plan for each of my precious children.   Honestly I didn't do any "choosing" and I am VERY okay with that!  God "chose" adoption for my family. 

I AM MOTHER

Yesterday I was privileged to sit with a fellow church member and share my story. She and her husband are beginning the foster adopt process.  She had some great questions and eager listening ears.  It was a blessing to me and showed me again God's great faithfulness!  It renewed my spirit and made today's struggles not look so mountainous!  As I recapped the last six years of our journey, as I told stories of the 20 plus kiddos we have come through our home, as I recalled names and faces of those beautiful children I saw how GOOD God has been!  Yes, it was hard.  Yes, my heart broke for their abuse and neglect.  Yes, some of them left us.  When looking at it all together though I can see just how much great joy we have been privileged to partake in!  I realized that here we are, almost, at the goal Andy and I set six and a half years ago.   Our amazing son Seth is OURS.  We couldn't love him more.  He still has his struggles, we still wind up on our knees for him, but will that ever change?  And if it were to, if he became "normal" could we love him any more then we do?  Nope.  We have our "surprise blessing" Damion!  Oh my, I was convinced ONE boy was boy enough, but I will not imagine life without our dear munchkin D!  Yes, he is three right now and testing every limit there is but that will pass sooner then I can fathom and it doesn't change the great place in my heart he fills!  We have our eldest daughter, Alyssa Anne.  My heart breaks for her and the abuse and awfulness she experienced the first two years of her life.  I go back and forth between great sadness and great madness for her!  I admit  she is the hardest to fall in love with.  When your child is still not legally yours a little tiny bit of you holds back, scared to give 110% until things are finalized.  I didn't get to experience those first 2 1/2 years of baby bonding with her.  She asks about what she did as a baby, and I can only assume rather then look back with fondness with her.  But I DO love her.  I love her and she lights up my life!  We have our baby, the family "Bobby", dear sweet Elizabeth.  The baby/toddler, growing up oh so fast!  I devoted myself to cherishing every stage with this one, my last.  Even the lack of sleep, the screaming and crying to communicating, the diapers, even the poopy diapers.  Because with all that is the joy of the firsts, the laughter and giggles, her gentle easy going spirit.  The force is strong in this one!  There has also been Taylor and Benjamin, dear Shannon, Bertha, Denise, and Alajandra, the twins, and all the rest.  When I was in high school I had the assignment to write my obituary.  Being the dramatic GT student I was I realize now I was a little morose, but my heart was there.  I wrote "She was the mother to many..."  I have been the mother to many and have enjoyed every moment of it, as I look back, even the hard moments taught and strengthened.  I am ready to mother only MY four for a while.  And I can't even express how happy that thought makes me!  But we will return to fostering one day, of that I have become certain.  God has been very faithful and I will be faithful to Him!

Writing Perseverance

My deal with Seth is that when he writes, I write.  You know teaching by example.  So now I have a commitment to blog.  And to do so almost daily at that!  I actually have always loved writing and it is one thing I have truly missed being a busy parent of four.  It was a joy to teach writing and I believe that every child I ever taught left my class at least not abhoring it.  Now, as usual, Seth is going to be my biggest challange!  He really REALLY dislikes writing!  Because of his vision problems it is HARD for him.  And I know and understand that. BUT still!  It's writing!  As his play therapist said recently, "While most of Seth's behaviors are normal for his age, we get to experiance them "on steroids""!  Yep, that is IT exactly.   So here's to the challange; Teaching Seth to LOVE writing! 

Get Wisdom

So after a year of waiting and two close calls within two weeks we have had three calls from our agency that we have turned down. I am so in want of a child, my faith waivers at every call. And I really think we are being much more flexible then in the beginning of our quest for twin girls. We really just want two little girls close in age but younger then Seth. So what have the recent calls been? The youngest three in a sib group of five, 9m old girl, 21m old girl and 35m old boy. Can't do that to Seth, or the little boy!!! Next, 7m old triplets - all boys! (the youngest in another sib group of five)We actually consider that!!! I mean we really do, but they are a 45min drive away in the hospital for failure to thrive. I can't physically do that and provide what they need in that situation. I remember the NICU with Seth, I was there everyday, twice a day!!! And then today another call! Babies, TWIN GIRLS!!! and a 2yr old boy! and a seven year old girl... yeah, older then Seth and school age already, plus it is a new removal and rights would be tied up for a year at least, probably two or three!!! But there a twin girls! But it's not right.
I have been pouring over Proverbs trying to seek wisdom! Where is the answer to a question such as this? The big fear is if we keep saying "no" will they stop asking?
Here's the thing that keeps me going. I know God will get us through anything. We can say yes to any of these placements and it would work because God will make it work because that is our ultimate desire. But, I also believe that even though God can do that why should He need to if I can only wait for the exactly perfect placement He has planned for us! I have to be confident in His plan and not jump the gun just to get a little one in my arms immediately. Doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache each time we say no, or especially when we think we are getting a placement and then it falls through.
"Hear my son, and receive my sayings, And the years of your life will be many. I have taught you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in right paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, And when you run, you will not stumble. Take firm hold of instruction, do not let go; Keep her, for she is your life."

My Heart is My Womb

In my gut there is a bareness
Yet my God created a different sort of nest
An extra special place
For my growing babe to rest

Readying our home, our lives
Like any expectant mother I wait
Yet it's a bit more unknown
As to when God set your due date

It is only after you arrive
After a few years have passed
Full of growth, tears, and laughs
I realized this truth at last

My heart is my womb
I was never empty within
There my love started to grow
The moment the thought of you began

Hope

Faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love. For almost 24 hours our hope was raised that our baby girls would be arriving to us. Thursday night were driving to Lewisville for the weekend and received a call from our agency about 2 month old twin girls soon to be taken into custody. We turned around and headed home knowing that if they were to be placed with us it could be anytime that night. Soon we heard there was a hitch and then the wait began. It wasn't until noon the next day we heard their grandparents were taking them. I am thankful they are safe, but I was also disappointed they would not be mine. I had hoped! I do hope...
I have faith that when the time is right I will hold my daughters in my arms. I am reassured that God has called me to mother twin girls. God doesn't tease. He didn't dangle these babies before me Thur/Fri. God has a perfect plan for these 2 little ones & my two little ones, for me. I didn't loose out, it is not unfair, and it will not never happen. These are of course the thoughts we all have when disappointment darkens our door, but because of God's perfect plan, his promises, His love, instead of giving into the darkness we can stand in the light and hope!

Showing Thanks

I am thankful for my family & my friends. I am thankful for the roof over my head and that I can share it with others. I am thankful for good food to eat, clothes to wear, and little extras too. I am thankful for the church I have, the people and the place I know I can count on. I am thankful for the bigger church too; that I can walk in any "building" anywhere and worship with a family of believers. I am thankful for security; job skills (Andy's & mine), savings account, health insurance, love of family and friends. I am truly blessed and have SO MUCH to really be thankful for.
I feel so much thanksgiving for what God has given me, but I have lived without, I have seen & known others who have lived even more without. I pray for my children (your children that are mine too :-)) that they will understand and know thankfulness too. How I hope though that they do not also have to experience the hard years of Without, in order to be thankful for the year of With.
Tonight we were at Andy's parents house for dinner, his Aunt is in town and his brother. They have a little kid's table for Seth and we jokingly told Tim (Andy's brother) he was to sit there. Tio Tim sat down across from Seth (momentarily) noticing that Tio Tim did not have a dinner plate Seth gave him his. He loves Tio Tim very much and didn't want him to do without! He was in his two year old way showing gratitude for his Uncle.
I just pray that that never leaves him, that innocent thankfulness for others. May we all give our Thanksgiving plate to another this week!

Patient When Expecting

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. I think I finally realize why. I have decided that basically I am 9 months pregnant and will remain so until our girls arrive! It has just been the last month that I have felt this way, we've been back on "the list" since May, but I've been struggling to have patience in waiting for about a month now. I just feel that it will be soon and really hope I am right!!! We have been telling Seth that God is growing his little sisters in our hearts, just as some of his friends' Mommy's had baby's growing in their tummy's. It is true too, the girls have been growing in my heart and now my heart is so full of them I can hardly wait for them to arrive. Doesn't that sound like the ninth month of pregnancy? Please pray for us in our wait. Andy had a discussion with a person from our agency yesterday and evidently the system in general is slow and ALL referrals right now. Andy and I are searching to know if we need to go a different direction or just wait it out as is. We are so ready for more little ones, it's just a bit uncomfortable, we don't want to rush anything, but we're pregnant with love and desire for our little ones!!! Even with adoption you find yourself truly expecting.

Thankfulness

The last couple of days I've been to several stores looking for a scarecrow for my yard. Besides an aisle or shelf of autumn items here and there I am having NO luck. Halloween happens and then "poof" it's Christmas. Now I am certainly not a Scrooge, but I am feeling rather "bahumbug" because, What happened to Thanksgiving? What happened to being thankful? In our children's eyes, we go from the Gimmie Candy Holiday to the Gimmie Toys Holiday. Not in my house!!! Andy does laugh when I won't allow even a Christmas Carol chorus, before turkey carving time, but I mean it! Besides, how can you anticipate the coming of the Greatest Gift of all time when you are not in a thankful frame of mind? Especially with the rough times so many are experiencing right now, it is SO very important to be thankful for what we DO have! Yes, I realize that technically thankfulness is not a fruit of the Spirit, but it is of the Spirit. Let's not skip over this chance to do a little "thankfulness" check.

Faithfulness

God will change your heart when you ask. Tuesday Seth has school and I "do stuff". This Tuesday my routine was off from the start. Being election day and all... Andy takes Seth to school and has done a wonderful job getting him up in the morning, dressed, and ready to go. But in order to give Andy time to go vote I did all this this morning, confusing not only Seth, but myself as well. After they left I went to vote myself and then headed up to my former campus to mentor, arriving early. After mentoring I went to watch my good friends two boys so she could go vote. I had a break for lunch, forgot to get my allergy shot, and went to pick Seth up, heading to Nana's house where I was leaving Seth to go do my once a month tutoring. As I was driving to get there I realized I really did not want to go. I felt tired and like I'd already done so much this day. I was frustrated I'd missed my shot and had my mind on tomorrow. As I turned on the road that the complex was on I realized that I wouldn't be able to do this feeling the way I was. So I asked. I basically said, "God please help me want to do this and make it work out." He truly truly did! I worked with a very neat kid, helping him with his homework, spelling words, and some phonics work. I had so much fun! We laughed and talked. He worked SO hard and was so appreciative! When it was time to go, neither of us wanted to, his Mom had come down twice to see if he was finished. I really felt useful, like this is why God made me a teacher. God answered my prayer. Thanks Lord!

Fruit Check

Years ago some pastor/leader/wise person said something when extolling on the "Fruits of the Spirit" that has never left my heart. They talked about doing a regular "fruit check". I don't know if that was when that verse became a cornerstone of my life, or if maybe it was the year we taught on it in Mexico and I helped with creating the "curriculum", or some other time. I do know that from early on in my Christian walk I have latched on to "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control" now in three languages; English, Spanish, and sign. See, the idea of a "fruit check" is just as it sounds, take a look at the fruit in your life to see how ripe/not ripe it is. See if it is rotting, bug filled, oozing, or if it is a bit green, hard, and scentless. What sort of fruit is in your heart at any given time. I've come to check it randomly, to check it when I am feeling a struggle. I tell you too, if anything is out of sorts with my life I can ALWAYS link it back to a fruit being not right. The first summer we had our foster daughter I wanted some sort of summer Bible study type thing to do with her. I created a plan to teach her of one fruit a week. I took some fake fruit from a hobby store and wrote one of the fruits of the Spirit on each and put it in a bowl in our foyer. That fruit bowl remains there, and I think always will, as a tangible reminder. My two year old will pull the banana out and I will say "What do you think of that peace from God? or he'll pretend to bite the apple, and I will tell him "Don't take a bite out of Faith!" Maybe it seems silly, but he is two after all! I look forward now to the comments I'll likely receive on my fruit checks here! It is a constructive way to keep your heart as God would have it kept though.