My Heart is My Womb

In my gut there is a bareness
Yet my God created a different sort of nest
An extra special place
For my growing babe to rest

Readying our home, our lives
Like any expectant mother I wait
Yet it's a bit more unknown
As to when God set your due date

It is only after you arrive
After a few years have passed
Full of growth, tears, and laughs
I realized this truth at last

My heart is my womb
I was never empty within
There my love started to grow
The moment the thought of you began

Hope

Faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love. For almost 24 hours our hope was raised that our baby girls would be arriving to us. Thursday night were driving to Lewisville for the weekend and received a call from our agency about 2 month old twin girls soon to be taken into custody. We turned around and headed home knowing that if they were to be placed with us it could be anytime that night. Soon we heard there was a hitch and then the wait began. It wasn't until noon the next day we heard their grandparents were taking them. I am thankful they are safe, but I was also disappointed they would not be mine. I had hoped! I do hope...
I have faith that when the time is right I will hold my daughters in my arms. I am reassured that God has called me to mother twin girls. God doesn't tease. He didn't dangle these babies before me Thur/Fri. God has a perfect plan for these 2 little ones & my two little ones, for me. I didn't loose out, it is not unfair, and it will not never happen. These are of course the thoughts we all have when disappointment darkens our door, but because of God's perfect plan, his promises, His love, instead of giving into the darkness we can stand in the light and hope!

Showing Thanks

I am thankful for my family & my friends. I am thankful for the roof over my head and that I can share it with others. I am thankful for good food to eat, clothes to wear, and little extras too. I am thankful for the church I have, the people and the place I know I can count on. I am thankful for the bigger church too; that I can walk in any "building" anywhere and worship with a family of believers. I am thankful for security; job skills (Andy's & mine), savings account, health insurance, love of family and friends. I am truly blessed and have SO MUCH to really be thankful for.
I feel so much thanksgiving for what God has given me, but I have lived without, I have seen & known others who have lived even more without. I pray for my children (your children that are mine too :-)) that they will understand and know thankfulness too. How I hope though that they do not also have to experience the hard years of Without, in order to be thankful for the year of With.
Tonight we were at Andy's parents house for dinner, his Aunt is in town and his brother. They have a little kid's table for Seth and we jokingly told Tim (Andy's brother) he was to sit there. Tio Tim sat down across from Seth (momentarily) noticing that Tio Tim did not have a dinner plate Seth gave him his. He loves Tio Tim very much and didn't want him to do without! He was in his two year old way showing gratitude for his Uncle.
I just pray that that never leaves him, that innocent thankfulness for others. May we all give our Thanksgiving plate to another this week!

Patient When Expecting

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. I think I finally realize why. I have decided that basically I am 9 months pregnant and will remain so until our girls arrive! It has just been the last month that I have felt this way, we've been back on "the list" since May, but I've been struggling to have patience in waiting for about a month now. I just feel that it will be soon and really hope I am right!!! We have been telling Seth that God is growing his little sisters in our hearts, just as some of his friends' Mommy's had baby's growing in their tummy's. It is true too, the girls have been growing in my heart and now my heart is so full of them I can hardly wait for them to arrive. Doesn't that sound like the ninth month of pregnancy? Please pray for us in our wait. Andy had a discussion with a person from our agency yesterday and evidently the system in general is slow and ALL referrals right now. Andy and I are searching to know if we need to go a different direction or just wait it out as is. We are so ready for more little ones, it's just a bit uncomfortable, we don't want to rush anything, but we're pregnant with love and desire for our little ones!!! Even with adoption you find yourself truly expecting.

Thankfulness

The last couple of days I've been to several stores looking for a scarecrow for my yard. Besides an aisle or shelf of autumn items here and there I am having NO luck. Halloween happens and then "poof" it's Christmas. Now I am certainly not a Scrooge, but I am feeling rather "bahumbug" because, What happened to Thanksgiving? What happened to being thankful? In our children's eyes, we go from the Gimmie Candy Holiday to the Gimmie Toys Holiday. Not in my house!!! Andy does laugh when I won't allow even a Christmas Carol chorus, before turkey carving time, but I mean it! Besides, how can you anticipate the coming of the Greatest Gift of all time when you are not in a thankful frame of mind? Especially with the rough times so many are experiencing right now, it is SO very important to be thankful for what we DO have! Yes, I realize that technically thankfulness is not a fruit of the Spirit, but it is of the Spirit. Let's not skip over this chance to do a little "thankfulness" check.

Faithfulness

God will change your heart when you ask. Tuesday Seth has school and I "do stuff". This Tuesday my routine was off from the start. Being election day and all... Andy takes Seth to school and has done a wonderful job getting him up in the morning, dressed, and ready to go. But in order to give Andy time to go vote I did all this this morning, confusing not only Seth, but myself as well. After they left I went to vote myself and then headed up to my former campus to mentor, arriving early. After mentoring I went to watch my good friends two boys so she could go vote. I had a break for lunch, forgot to get my allergy shot, and went to pick Seth up, heading to Nana's house where I was leaving Seth to go do my once a month tutoring. As I was driving to get there I realized I really did not want to go. I felt tired and like I'd already done so much this day. I was frustrated I'd missed my shot and had my mind on tomorrow. As I turned on the road that the complex was on I realized that I wouldn't be able to do this feeling the way I was. So I asked. I basically said, "God please help me want to do this and make it work out." He truly truly did! I worked with a very neat kid, helping him with his homework, spelling words, and some phonics work. I had so much fun! We laughed and talked. He worked SO hard and was so appreciative! When it was time to go, neither of us wanted to, his Mom had come down twice to see if he was finished. I really felt useful, like this is why God made me a teacher. God answered my prayer. Thanks Lord!

Fruit Check

Years ago some pastor/leader/wise person said something when extolling on the "Fruits of the Spirit" that has never left my heart. They talked about doing a regular "fruit check". I don't know if that was when that verse became a cornerstone of my life, or if maybe it was the year we taught on it in Mexico and I helped with creating the "curriculum", or some other time. I do know that from early on in my Christian walk I have latched on to "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control" now in three languages; English, Spanish, and sign. See, the idea of a "fruit check" is just as it sounds, take a look at the fruit in your life to see how ripe/not ripe it is. See if it is rotting, bug filled, oozing, or if it is a bit green, hard, and scentless. What sort of fruit is in your heart at any given time. I've come to check it randomly, to check it when I am feeling a struggle. I tell you too, if anything is out of sorts with my life I can ALWAYS link it back to a fruit being not right. The first summer we had our foster daughter I wanted some sort of summer Bible study type thing to do with her. I created a plan to teach her of one fruit a week. I took some fake fruit from a hobby store and wrote one of the fruits of the Spirit on each and put it in a bowl in our foyer. That fruit bowl remains there, and I think always will, as a tangible reminder. My two year old will pull the banana out and I will say "What do you think of that peace from God? or he'll pretend to bite the apple, and I will tell him "Don't take a bite out of Faith!" Maybe it seems silly, but he is two after all! I look forward now to the comments I'll likely receive on my fruit checks here! It is a constructive way to keep your heart as God would have it kept though.